11: Champagne and Bon-bons

In so many of the movies I rented with Mr. Netlix, I saw the same Fairy Tale story I'd grown up with: Girl meets Boy, they fall deeply in love, and Live Happily Ever After. Are we just supposed to believe that life unfolds seemlessly after that? What if the princess does not want to Windex the microwave after every meal, nor attend 4-hour kid birthday parties, or sit next to Bob at a dinner party who brags he's got a $15k nut to bust every month? What about traveling, just saying no to a mortgage, or maintaining a love relationship from two different residences? A kind of Frida and Diego deal, only without the drama of him sleeping with your sister?

Then there's another Fairy Tale Fantasy to beware of: Champagne and Bon-bons. In this story, the maiden sits in a luxurious lair sipping armagnac while nibbling Peruvian dark chocolate with acai nuts, leaving her pleasure palace regularly to shop. After growing tired from carrying all those designer-label goods, she stops by her friend's, Trustfund Timothy's, for an 18-course meal, including foix gras, cornish game hens in pomegranete jus, followed by a torte glazed in raspberry foam. If she doesn't have a friend like that, no problema. She can simply dine out with Visa.

There’s an interesting thing that happens with a limited budget. You have to be more creative.
– Julie Taymor, Filmmaker

10: Gentleman Callers

I like that men are now in tune with their feminine. Ya know, to a degree.

I've dated plenty who were not, who talked without interruption, evidently thinking this is what we long for: to hear a resume of accomplishments.

You can always test a date's listening skills by mentioning you're an alien visiting Earth on assignment, writing a story about human mating rituals for your home planet. If he nods and proceeds, you say, This has been absolutely fascinating, but I must go home and shampoo my merkin.

If he's reached 35 and never sustained a relationship longer than 90 days? Red Flag.

If he tells you he's a reconteur, proceed with caution.

If he tries to earn sympathy by telling you the story of how he agreed to go to Burning Man after the third date, and how she abandoned him once there, but he's already told you fourteen stories of bad dates, jettison the pod.